Grief of Divorce - Mark 10 - Proper 22 Year B

Grief of Divorce

Tony E Hansen

Reflection based upon Mark 10:2-16, Psalm 8, Genesis 2:18-24

Opening prayer

The scriptures talk about how a couple is made to be with each other - a woman is made from the bones of a man. Thus, couple becomes “one flesh.”  

The disciples ask Jesus about this thing we call marriage and divorce.

I think I know a thing or two about these having been married and now divorced. (The dust is still settling from that.)

Marriage is about commitment, love, trust and communication, but what happens when that commitment, that trust, that love, that one flesh, devolves and separates?

I don’t think people get into a marriage with the prospect of quitting. I certainly did not, but it happened no less. I didn’t honestly believe in divorce before this. Even though, I have friends and family that have went through it, divorce wasn’t something for me - that is until it became for me.

I think of myself publicly failing for having to go through it. The loss is more than money and material. It is a loss of ideas, prospects , a relationship, a family, a community, and yes the “one flesh.” 

Divorce destroys trust (if it was even there to begin with), it destroys the bonds (that could have been), it destroys a community that surrounds the marriage, and it certainly destroys a future. The stress, pain, and anxiety in me from all of this is through the roof. The stress and anxiety radiates throughout our friends and families as they cope with the change as well. I pray for them as I try not to drag them down too.

Yet, it was a necessary thing to do - for both of us. 

It destroys a future but also creates. My future is not certain - not that it was before this, but the path is way different that what I thought it was going to be. I even looked for ways to maybe ignore what was transpiring, but I could not and ignoring was only going to make it worse. 

So, How do we cope? 

There are mechanisms that people can employ when going through a life transition such as this because we have to understand there is pain, tears and grief in the moment. Loss (whether a friend, a life or a relationship) loss breeds - along with it - grief.

We have to learn how to cope with the loss and find healthy ways to do that.  For it is too easy to slip into damaging ways ( I know that too well.) 

I know others may have found other negative ways to cope such as violence, drugs, unsafe sex, or alcohol. I have to be careful and mindful of triggers. Personally, I have to lower my alcohol intake, and instead, I should lean into things that are healthy like workouts, visiting with family and friends, painting with pastels, or working in the garden. I should do that even though the anxiety is high and the pain is real. 

I have met some good people since all this has transpired (and is continuing), but I have to remember to take care of myself - because no one else will. I believe that I will rebuild and I will find a new path even though that path is not clear to me today. (Not sure it really ever was clear if I think about it.) Yet, I have to believe that.

I will turn to my painting, drawing, writing, music, and work to fill the holes that have been painfully ripped open. I certainly don’t want to fill the holes with negativity and more anxiety. 

Now, I look at the words of Jesus from Mark and find myself in a paradox of any future relationship. I cannot really even think about that right now with the abundance of grief that I am experiencing. Yet the paradox is there.

There is a reason why Jesus says these, and it is because divorce is so damaging. As I stated, it not only impacts the couple, but those around them as they also try to cope.  I am thankful for those that have reached out to me, those that have invited me into their world, and those that have helped me during this awful time. You have been very much appreciated.

That also tells me the path forward is not one that has to be done alone. Nothing that we do has to be done alone. 

Although we ultimately have to take the steps and the next steps, there are people around us that we can lean and find support - even if those people are ones we haven’t engaged in a while. we (I) have to remember there is God as well. So yeah, I have been reaching out to folks I haven’t spoke to in a while and I plan to reach out to more.

I think maybe that is part of the healing process (and is definitely a positive activity.)  Reaching out instead of turning inward and isolating - Finding out or remembering who is in our support system.  For Lord knows that someday, we become their support in turn.  

Hopefully, the result of the healing process, I think of what it is like to be a child in the kingdom and that there is the ultimate support in the Spirit that guides us all. Remember that God created us as works of divine fingers: along with the majesty of the moon and stars. Hope is what I have to hold onto and faith in the One that sustains us.

the grief of divorce - may you never have to witness this in your lives and may peace be with you all, especially if you have had to endure this.

And for all the blessings, friends, family and gifts bestowed upon me, I am reminded still…

Thanks be to God